Saturday, August 26, 2006

Dufton - Cross Fell - Dufton (repeated return)

730 am phone call
mudslides and flash floods where you are
'don't go' she says, 'don't go'
foot not yet walked on
lots of doubt
brisk assertive start in the rain
'I can do this today' (building myself up)
I can do this, i just want to get over that bloody hill
not today
pain in the foot, rain
stop gap under trees
not agreeing
'I'm going back', 'I'm going up'
a collision of interests
shared desire to press on

im paralysed with anger and frustration
i dont know which way to go
i dont which way to go with writing this
its beyond words and i desire to shutdown
i want to be alone
this comapnionship breaks down and its just us , as 'I'
This a point, under the tree, in the rain where a weak spot appears- a crack in a friendship develops into an earth quake and those landslides are internally disarranging us and what we know

we go back
simone- quickly and enraged by her own failures, i stop for a moment to say hello to the cows, for some recognition through their heavy breath, returning back to all those stiles that irritated me on the way there -i dont want to talk about it for the next 24 hrs
tamara - slowly pondering failure, annoyed at the low pain threshold, slipping and sliding on the way back. wettest its been the whole way. rucsac collects water which spills on the floor back in the hostel. watery inside and out.

back at the ranch:
intermittent words
mostly silence in the air
cups of tea made for each other is the only act of kindness that can be given
still lost for words
need silence
need other bodies
contemplating how to endure
sharing such small spaces
mostly less than 18 inches between us


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